1:30

After jerking off for an hour
Thinking about the crowd of fake orgasms
What a fucked-up failure, what a slut to deserve this punishment
I dragged myself to the egg sandwich and shed a couple of tears
I thought about the Industrial Revolution
What changed in social structure, the history teacher said
While I rubbed "One Hundred Sonets of Love" between my legs
Mechanized, no one was ever more of a motor than me at my desk
Back then, my epilogues would expand
Drooling, pragmatic like the waves
In those years, I was the commander
Riding my own flesh with militarized authority

Caravan of death, they said on TV
And I was dying to join the carnival that was under the history teacher's pants
I knew it pretty well
From the shadow in the khaki, I was the president
Better to stop thinking about nectar and stick with the egg sandwich
What a basic meal for this hotel luxury, I thought
What a fucking disease this anxiety med is
I depended on it so much that, on the edge, I asked it to come inside
I had more fun when I got mugged
And yeah, I went back to the vice, with a drumroll

Better get dressed: This isn’t making love, I thought
It feels more like heavy metal
Every guy I slept with
Fell in love with her and got up with me
But, on the day of my death
On the day of my death, I’ll go first class
And they’ll throw a wailing party because, finally, they’ll see me with white eyes
It’ll be a grand wedding, my dad will be there and my pedophiles
And millions with daddy issues will rain down from the sky

I grab a coffee, suddenly, it rains
But not with the desire I want
This mediocrity, the humidity, reminds me of his good morning kiss
My favorite weather is sex
Speaking of genital genocides, I wrote a song
About the complicated foreign relations of a woman in the everyday abuse
I, as an immoral attaché, diplomatically in the main verse
While I cried, while I cried
While I cried, while I remembered
While I blamed myself
I recited

I vomited as if that act would clean my inner thighs
I washed myself a hundred fifty-eight times with soap and holy water
It was a hundred fifty-eight stabs
I felt them while he breathed on my neck
I think it lasted about a minute and a half
But it felt like a whole death
The next day, I went to school
I let the hem of my uniform loose
I had toast with jam for breakfast
In history class, they talked about the conquest