El Desempleado (El Optimista)

I'm the optimist, I have a thousand skills
I'm a starving soul but I won't give in
I don't have a job, I got laid off
If you have one, I’d really appreciate it
I speak several languages, English and French
And I can also speak Chinese and Japanese
I translate books, stories, and magazines
If you want, I can read whatever you say
I'm the jack of all trades, I can do it all
If you want, I can start right away tomorrow

I iron pants and also shirts
I sew silk or spandex socks
If your shoes are dirty and look like crap
Don't worry, I’ll shine them up for you
And if you're bored with chores to do
I can sweep and mop if you want me to

I wash the dishes, also the windows
I clean the tank, I water the plants
I tidy the bed, I clean the bathrooms
I blow up balloons for the birthday bash
I can throw the party, I’ll kill the pig
If you want, I can also clown around
If you need, I can be your car's cat
If you don’t have a dog, I’ll bark at night

I’ll bring you gossip from the neighbor
And I can ask if you want a pizza too
I run errands wherever you say
And if you’re bored, I’ll make you laugh
I know a bunch of jokes, I’m also an actor
Singer, artist, and songwriter

I chase thieves even if there are many
I bring you reasons and send greetings
If you have a daughter for her quinceañera
I’ll be her escort for her big day
I also cure ailments, give injections
I change your underwear, day or night

I get interviews, I make excuses
I’ll stand in line for you, I’ll pay the fine
I forge signatures, I change fingerprints
I’m an expert in whatever you need
I do exorcisms, I scare off demons
And if you need a witch, I’ll whip up the spells

I’ll carry the baby, fix the bottle
I’ll get the gas out, I’ll put on the bib
I’ll change the diaper when it smells bad
After bathing him, I’ll lay him in the sun
When he’s really sad, I’ll calm his cries
And if you can’t, I’ll breastfeed him too

I can be a witness for any trial
If you don’t have proof, I’ll get it for you
I’ll read the cards, I’ll interpret the tobacco
I’ll dye your hair, I’ll shave your armpits
I’ll groom your mustache and also your beard
And if you want, I’ll tie your tie

I’ll kill mosquitoes, mice, and rats
Ants and bedbugs, also cockroaches
I’ll tame fleas, lions, and beasts
As long as I get paid, I’ll do anything
I’m a total expert in pest control
I’ll fumigate your room or the whole house

If you have problems with the sink
Don’t hesitate to call me, I’m a plumber too
If you think about building someday
Remember I’m a handyman as well
If the power goes out and doesn’t come back
I’m a master electrician, no doubt

If you lost your key, I’ll make you a new one
I have the tools, I’m a good locksmith
If you’re going to a party and have no ride
I can drive you and be your chauffeur
If you’re looking for a girlfriend to support you
I’ll find you one just like you want

I’m a good cook, if you want to eat
I make tamales, atole too
If you want some tacos, I’ll whip them up
And if you’re going to buy them, I’ll bring them back
But if you get diarrhea later on
I’ve got the recipe for that too

If you’re in despair, I can help you
I’ll serve you coffee and I can bathe you
If you have a sick one, I can take care of them
I’ll watch over them at night while you sleep
If you’re looking for a blood donor in life
I can get you one or sell you mine

If someone dies, I can embalm them
Bring flowers and also carry them
Make a cross right by their grave
And if you don’t have a place, I’ll find you one
I’ll pray the rosary after burying them
And if it slips out, I’ll finish it off

As you can see, I do anything
I rent myself by the day or by the hour
I accept cash, card, or check
You can pay me weekly or biweekly if you want
Just to get out of all my troubles
I’m capable of anything, even selling my ass.